You could never crush my dreams

My hopes aren’t that high.

There’s a fire in my heart but tears in my eyes, and try as I might I can’t get the words in line.

I wanna be better, do better than before. I want to be the alpha and omega of my world. Screaming out a reflection of who I’m considered to be, but if they only knew what I really think.

So… I’ve been thinking. I want to leave this place, but I’m not exactly sure where this “place” is…or where I want to go. The more time I spend, the days, the hours, turning the thought over and over again in my head I’m accepting more and more that I have to come to an end. Now not such a long time ago, I thought this meant ending my life. However, although at times I can sway, I’ve come to the realization that that particular solution may be premature. Instead the end of me may just be leaving myself as I am now in this “place”. Now metaphorically speaking, I could cocoon and re-emerge at anytime and looking back at my life I think I’ve done this many a time before. But this “place” has always been the same. I’ve re-emerged still surrounded by the chaos, although anew, still tormented and eventually returning to the cocoon to re-emerge again. The pulsating thought to leave has grown from a distant dream, to a want, to what’s becoming a flat out necessity. I do not know what I am anymore. I walk just fine, I talk as if I’m presently here, smile with factory made laughter but for what reason I do not know. Emptiness is no longer a feeling but a constant state of being.

My doctors will say I’m depressed. No longer finding pleasure in my interest. My family will say I have them. Just let them know what I need. My christians will tell me to turn to God and my spiritualist will say seek guidance from the ancestors. My heart….my heart is numb and my head is full of broken thoughts interrupted by new soon to be broken thoughts. My sense of responsibility and duty keep me tethered to this place, but I feel the end is near. I believe that in any moment a shift is coming but I MUST be seated deeply, comfortably in this new place…maybe it’s anxiety but I no longer wish to be social. I only want to be surrounded by my books and nature with family and friends visiting occasionally lol

I am trying here. I am really trying to keep this commitment to myself to prove that I am what I claim to be. A writer, an expressive storyteller. Even if the story at the time are the free flowing thoughts in my mind, I am trying. And although some days I falter and can’t even meet the bare minimum, I am trying. For me, right now at this place in my life. That is enough.

Man. My writing streak got killed this week, just like my spirit. I don’t know what else to say about this past week besides that project management does indeed require, yes you guesses it, management. Now in theory having studied it for the past year, it seemed simple. Also experience as a supervisor seemed helpful. Both were irrelevant. I’ve had to deal with things and people that I would personally not like to be privy to. Here’s the thing though, unless I’m going to go purchase 20 acres and homestead (and I’m not…I’m not a “farming” girlie)… the factor in all walks and visions I have for my life involve one common theme. Other fucking people and honestly I’m tired of it. All of you go away, I need a moment to think.

Today is a “meeting the intent” day. Intent met.

So I have this album I love. In 2021 my life fell apart, and I don’t mean like a physical occurrence i.e. my house catching fire or a failed contract killer assassination attempt. It was, like always, a mental break down (justified). Anyway, I listed to this album all day everyday and it provided a small sliver of happiness in my soul. It was an artist I didn’t know well, so imagine my surprise when I found out the album was from 2020. Every song felt like a poem written specifically for me in my time of need. It helped steady me in the midst of violent winds. Her voice was soothing and calming, a part of me singing to myself that I was not alone. That’s how much I loved this album from that day forward. I told one of my best friends about how the album helped me at one of the darkest times of my life. I said it casually, while singing along at the top of my lungs during one of our 2 hr road trips into the city. I told random facts about myself so often it was something I figured everyone should know, like my favorite ice cream. Months later while feeling a ripple of the previous years world shattering earthquake, while crying and trying to catch my breath, he played my favorite song from the album. The one I heart wrenchingly joyously sang as I told him that it was my favorite album. I never felt so seen. He looked at me, silently reminding me that I could and would keep on.

This past week has been rough for me, not “the world is ending” difficult, but tough none the less. Just before I pulled out my laptop to write this post, he casually turned it on and I smiled, reminiscing. I realized that time in my life was no longer my anchor to this album, a thought maybe but not definite. His energy is calming, I love him almost as much as I love this album.

THE ALBUM– Tems, For Broken Ears

And if you’re as curious THE SONG– The Key

Another day, another gahdamn overly earned dollar. That’s it, that’s the tweet. I’ll see ya’ll tomorrow

Guys I’ve girl bossed too hard. I’ve been left in charge of 300 plus people and now my brain is full (which is why I completely missed yesterday). And not of like the things I want to think about, but like key performance indicators and sustainability topics. I have meetings about meetings to discuss things from emails that should’ve been meetings. Someone once told me to stay in project management because no matter the field, there’s always a need for managers. Well guess what person who shall remain nameless, I had less headaches staring at the computer screen coding than I do now staring at an email so vague….I literally have to define what “bullets on the details of –insert obscure acronym” is supposed to mean. Only my fear of failing keeps me going, I am not motivated by my success. Send Help.

Signed,

A girl that can do it, but doesn’t want to