Cold Hearted

There’s a lover inside of you

Tender and kind

A being who appreciates 

Sweet kisses and time

There’s a lover inside you

That wants long gazes and hugs

Snuggled up in the covers just because

There’s a lover inside you

Who wants nothing more

Than the lover in someone else

To take the time to explore

Every crevice and curve 

Every heartbreak and tear

Someone who genuinely just wants you near

But there’s an Ego around you

That blocks out the pain

Keeps away the hurt and despair 

That comes with the rain

There’s an Ego around you

That pushes people away

To protect the soft heart inside you

That can’t take another heartbreak 

There’s an Ego around you

That lashes out cloked as wit

Sarcastic phrases, cynical shit 

This Ego around you 

Casts the image of a black heart

But I see through your veil

I think I see a warm start

Of the lover inside you

Wanting to emerge again

And I’ve got nothing but time

So I’ll wait till you let me in.

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Taken

Come quietly in the night, not a word or a breath

to take away innocence that I’ll never forget

How did we get here, alone no one watching

Silent moments of touches, this time theres no stopping

Again how’d we get here, how come no ones watching

where are they, where’d they go, why is no one stopping

this taking of innocence that i’ll never forget

you came quietly in the night, not a word or a breath

30. A Reflection

I went a whole decade doing things I believed would bring me happiness. 10 years I spent making marriages (yes plural) out of unstable relationships, friendships out of feeble interactions and relentlessly trying to make my family proud. What I got was 2 divorces, loneliness in a sea of friends and unnoticed effort. However, I regret none of it. My first marriage was full of laughs but twice as many tears, the second full of tears and so much childish joy. My family never saw everything I sacrificed but I would always give everything I could. And my friends, although I don’t still speak to them all, they were my family. Now here I am, days before 30 reflecting on it all…… happy.

The journey through my 20’s was spent looking for something I’d been wanting, what felt like, my whole life. Of course no one would’ve guessed that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, but besides that happiness just seemed to just miss me. Nothing felt full or true. Maybe it was the stress of working only to pay off debt (that I kept accumulating, go figure) or maybe forcing romantic relationships out of sheer will to not admit failure. I wasn’t sure what kept me from filling fulfilled but I’d always felt there was more. Ironically finding the joy and peace in my rocky journey has provided happiness in itself. None the less, I found it. And I’m never looking back.

30 to me is a new beginning. It’s the starting steps down my path of greatness. More importantly I have a clearer understanding of myself. I no longer feel I have something to prove, I only feel motivated to be me. Some people are blessed enough to realize this early on but my realization has come right on time. I embrace the change that comes with growing and accept its discomfort. My way forward I only want to live in my purpose for placement in this world, I want to fulfill my destiny.

Black Lines

The smudge of her charcoal eyeliner felt heavy on her hand. Shit she thought. What was the point?

Pretty faces blinked eyelashes full. Her mascara couldn’t do half. Highlighted cheek bones glowed golden peach. Only brittled scars from battle acne riddled her pores. Piling on concealer, layering walls covering tear streaks etched. Lips matted red, chipped teeth grinning because you’re never fully dressed without a smile she pushed. Head high, chin up beautiful because confidence is key. Show them who you want to be. Give that energy, poor out good. Let your hearts compass guide through life’s tries and never let your words go misunderstood.

That was the point she thought, wiping the charcoal from her hand. Keep going.

Weapons of Choice

“Can I borrow your pencil?” Sarah asked, in a barely audible whisper. “Nope. No freakin way, not after what happened last time” Jade responded almost violently in her whisper back. “Awww come on that wasn’t even my fault,” Sarah turned while answering Jade. Looking at her head on in this small of a confined space seemed as if Jade was intruding on a private moment. She could smell Sarah’s cherry chap stick on her lips and the amount of hair spray she’d used to put her hair in a bun, that was after everything they’d been through today, barely hanging on. “Gimmie the pencil” she demanded. After 10 seconds of staring each other down, Jade finally dropped her chin to her chest and produced the pencil from her cargo pocket. “Please don’t kill anybody” Jade begged as Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Listen,” Sarah breathed out taking the pencil. “I didn’t come here planning to kill anyone, but if I have to in order to protect you, I will. Just like last time, just like always” She placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder and used the other to lift her chin. “Don’t worry, it’s just a pencil,” she smiled just as all hell broke loose. The closet door they’d been hiding behind flew open at mach speed. 

“GET DOWN ON THE GROUD,” the people in all white yelled. The girls complied. Dropping to their knees they laced both hands behind their heads, Sarah holding the pencil between hers. “Where is it?” asked a woman in white stepping forward. Her piercing green eyes scared Jade. “WHERE IS IT?!” she screamed at them, the soft gray bob around her neck shook with her fury. “I don’t know what you mean,” Jade responded looking away from the scary woman. “You,” she growled at Sarah as she grabbed her by the throat forcing her to her feet. “Don’t you little bitches play games with me, I know you know what I’m talking about,” she spat at her. “Listen I don’t know what you’re looking for but we just met 2 days ago! Something happened and I don’t know why but people have been trying to kill us!” Jade yelled out hoping to distract the woman. She let go of Sarah, who had now dropped her hands behind her back, and knelled in front of Jade. She smiled. “Something happened?” she asked snidely. Before Jade could answer, the room filled with screams. She turned and looked up expecting to see Sarah, but she had vanished. The woman in front of her spun and stood to her feet “SHOOT HER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS”, she shouted wildly across the room. One by one all the agents in white fell, blood flowing down the front of their suits. Jade clenched her eye lids closed tight. She couldn’t stand the sight of blood, it made her queasy.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Jade heard the scary woman say, the confidence of her words was gone. She opened her eyes to find Sarah in front of the woman, the tip of the pencil held firmly to her jugular. “Jade get up and walk to the door,” Sarah asked of Jade calmly. Jade hesitated. “Monica won’t hurt you, will you Monica?” Sarah inquired of the scary woman, smirking. Jade pondered how Sarah knew her. Monica said nothing but tightened her lips. “WILL YOU?” Sarah yelled this time pushing the pencil tip slightly more into her skin. “No” Monica finally responded. Jade slowly stood and inched past the twotowards the door. “You know they’ll find her, you can keep running but you can’t hide” Monica alleged slowly when Jade reached the door. Jade looked back, confused. Did she say “she”? Turning to Sarah she opened her mouth to ask that very thing but before she could Monica hit the floor with a thud. Blood gushed from the open wound across her throat, her eyes rolled up as she gasped her last breath. Instead what came from Jades mouth was “Why do you do that?! More importantly how are you doing this? The pencils barely sharpened!” Sarah smiled wiping the bloody pencil onto her black jeans. “Like I said,” Sarah retorted, “not my fault.”

₣ɎⱤɆ

I’ve got moonlight in my hands

The warmth of a star so close to me

can’t even comprehend

This beautiful soul I see

She’s got this smile about her

That from the corner gently teases

Coaxing kisses from lips so soft

My heart skips into pieces

It’s not often I’m silent in her presence

Pumping her full of my pointless banter

But just one glance up from those eyes

And nothing I’ve said matters

She’s snowfall over bonfires

Or rainfall in a drought

She’s the Carmel to my apple

And everything life’s about

So with this moonlight in my hands

And the warmth of a star so close to me

We’ll stroll through the darkness

Blowing down blunt wrapped trees

Pause, a ᴿᴱᶠᴸᴱᶜᵀᴵᴼᴺ

I had to fall apart to see all the pieces

Laid out in front of me like a road map to recovery I could pinpoint exactly where the rip in my seem was. I had been stuffing myself full of nothings. Full of air, no weight inside threatening to collapse from lack of structure. Who taught you how to love? I had been stumbling along crafting hopes and dreams but what was 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮….

𝓑𝓛𝓤𝓔

Can I just lay with you till the morning comes, till our lips have dried and fingers undone. Listening intently as your chest raises and falls, it’s here in your arms that my demons crawl slowly but away, escaping our fairytale turned raw. In the morning as the sun seeps through like honey blood, sticky shining down on this unshakable love.

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