Why does everything always feel like it’s just on the verge of getting better? Like if I just keep walking a little further I’ll see the sunny weather. As if right over the hill is a place I’ll call home, my worries will fade if I just make it through this storm. Always on the climb, so much that you forget that you’re down if I just keep pushing on, it’ll all turn around.
You can only say I love you in so many ways
You can only say I’m sorry for so many days
Before the pain sets in and the clouds fill with tears
At the realization of my worst fears
So I need you to say it, and say it over again
That I’m not the one you want as your friend
Your defender from all
Your sun shining bright
Not the one you want to kiss goodnight
You can only say I love you in so many ways
You can’t stand to say I’m sorry another day
So leave if you have to, I’m all too good at goodbyes
Leave now without another lie
Say it again and I’ll believe it’s true
Say it again so I’ll stop loving you
I just reached a point in my life. A defining point. One I realize as I write this will be a day I look back on in the future as a marker for when something began. I told my wife yesterday “this coffee taste amazing”. And I didn’t mean in a, “I really need some coffee, any coffee for *insert what ever random reason here*. I meant it truly tasted amazing. I could tell the freshness and authenticity of how it tasted and it was euphoric. I was surprised.
I’d bought the coffee absentmindedly while looking for crystals in this new holistic shop, spotting it while waiting to checkout. I think I’d read somewhere earlier that day that mixing coffee with lemon juice could help burn stomach fat, plus we were almost out of k-cups. So I grabbed the plastic lined paper pouch, that had “Columbia” written over a white sticker label, and proceeded to checkout. Once home it was tucked away behind the near empty box of Green Mountain k-cups. And as predicted we ran out of k-cups. So out came “Columbia” and Boom went my mind. Guys I was like seriously happy. I could feel the happy. On top of that, I felt matured. I finally know the difference between shit diner coffee you drink because you’re cold, or hungover, or just needed something to shock you (even if it’s because it taste so bad) awake, I finally knew good fucking coffee when I tasted it. So I tell my wife….and she AGREES.
Now I know you’re thinking this is probably that defining moment this initial facebook status, turned full-out journal rant was about, but no. I knew she’d agree, we always agree. But while writing the FB status, I reflected on the moment a little longer and started to undress the urge to elaborate. So I began a note, which lead to a word document ultimately pasted here. I realized quite quickly that I needed to document this moment because I’m going to want to know when exactly I became alive.
I always drank coffee because it’s “supposed” to wake you up. Unfortunately, never did any cup of coffee keep me awake. If I can’t wake up, then waking up just isn’t an option in that moment. So coffee became the sidekick to my real morning helper, nicotine. Coffee and a cigarette has always seemed the epitome of adulthood to me. And at 19, I was as adult as they come. 9-5 job, dream car, apartment living, bills due. I’ve been sipping coffee in the morning my whole adult life. Drinking this coffee however made me really FEEL like an adult. A fully functioning, non dependent, emotionally healthy, alive adult. I finally felt those things. I didn’t think I would make it past 18. I tried to end it all at 21. By 25 I figured I was living on borrowed time, so YOLO right? I have lived 1,000 lives. I’v done embarrassingly pathetic things to TRY and feel alive. Now…I’m living. Fully living my life exactly how I want, and no it’s not perfect (cause no one is) but finally I FEEL alive. And if I’m being totally honest, it wasn’t the coffee. The coffee was just the catalyst. It was a location drop in my memory for me to one day reminisce where I started. To look at where I am now as a starting point of my future is the euphoria I felt.
However, it was some good fucking coffee.
There’s a lover inside of you
Tender and kind
A being who appreciates
Sweet kisses and time
There’s a lover inside you
That wants long gazes and hugs
Snuggled up in the covers just because
There’s a lover inside you
Who wants nothing more
Than the lover in someone else
To take the time to explore
Every crevice and curve
Every heartbreak and tear
Someone who genuinely just wants you near
But there’s an Ego around you
That blocks out the pain
Keeps away the hurt and despair
That comes with the rain
There’s an Ego around you
That pushes people away
To protect the soft heart inside you
That can’t take another heartbreak
There’s an Ego around you
That lashes out cloked as wit
Sarcastic phrases, cynical shit
This Ego around you
Casts the image of a black heart
But I see through your veil
I think I see a warm start
Of the lover inside you
Wanting to emerge again
And I’ve got nothing but time
So I’ll wait till you let me in.
Come quietly in the night, not a word or a breath
to take away innocence that I’ll never forget
How did we get here, alone no one watching
Silent moments of touches, this time theres no stopping
Again how’d we get here, how come no ones watching
where are they, where’d they go, why is no one stopping
this taking of innocence that i’ll never forget
you came quietly in the night, not a word or a breath
I went a whole decade doing things I believed would bring me happiness. 10 years I spent making marriages (yes plural) out of unstable relationships, friendships out of feeble interactions and relentlessly trying to make my family proud. What I got was 2 divorces, loneliness in a sea of friends and unnoticed effort. However, I regret none of it. My first marriage was full of laughs but twice as many tears, the second full of tears and so much childish joy. My family never saw everything I sacrificed but I would always give everything I could. And my friends, although I don’t still speak to them all, they were my family. Now here I am, days before 30 reflecting on it all…… happy.
The journey through my 20’s was spent looking for something I’d been wanting, what felt like, my whole life. Of course no one would’ve guessed that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, but besides that happiness just seemed to just miss me. Nothing felt full or true. Maybe it was the stress of working only to pay off debt (that I kept accumulating, go figure) or maybe forcing romantic relationships out of sheer will to not admit failure. I wasn’t sure what kept me from filling fulfilled but I’d always felt there was more. Ironically finding the joy and peace in my rocky journey has provided happiness in itself. None the less, I found it. And I’m never looking back.
30 to me is a new beginning. It’s the starting steps down my path of greatness. More importantly I have a clearer understanding of myself. I no longer feel I have something to prove, I only feel motivated to be me. Some people are blessed enough to realize this early on but my realization has come right on time. I embrace the change that comes with growing and accept its discomfort. My way forward I only want to live in my purpose for placement in this world, I want to fulfill my destiny.
The smudge of her charcoal eyeliner felt heavy on her hand. Shit she thought. What was the point?
Pretty faces blinked eyelashes full. Her mascara couldn’t do half. Highlighted cheek bones glowed golden peach. Only brittled scars from battle acne riddled her pores. Piling on concealer, layering walls covering tear streaks etched. Lips matted red, chipped teeth grinning because you’re never fully dressed without a smile she pushed. Head high, chin up beautiful because confidence is key. Show them who you want to be. Give that energy, poor out good. Let your hearts compass guide through life’s tries and never let your words go misunderstood.
That was the point she thought, wiping the charcoal from her hand. Keep going.
Tantalizing kisses sweet as honey dew melons
Sad little love songs full of hopeful visions
lead to eyelash wishes
and dreams of being your Mrs.
“Can I borrow your pencil?” Sarah asked, in a barely audible whisper. “Nope. No freakin way, not after what happened last time” Jade responded almost violently in her whisper back. “Awww come on that wasn’t even my fault,” Sarah turned while answering Jade. Looking at her head on in this small of a confined space seemed as if Jade was intruding on a private moment. She could smell Sarah’s cherry chap stick on her lips and the amount of hair spray she’d used to put her hair in a bun, that was after everything they’d been through today, barely hanging on. “Gimmie the pencil” she demanded. After 10 seconds of staring each other down, Jade finally dropped her chin to her chest and produced the pencil from her cargo pocket. “Please don’t kill anybody” Jade begged as Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Listen,” Sarah breathed out taking the pencil. “I didn’t come here planning to kill anyone, but if I have to in order to protect you, I will. Just like last time, just like always” She placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder and used the other to lift her chin. “Don’t worry, it’s just a pencil,” she smiled just as all hell broke loose. The closet door they’d been hiding behind flew open at mach speed.
“GET DOWN ON THE GROUD,” the people in all white yelled. The girls complied. Dropping to their knees they laced both hands behind their heads, Sarah holding the pencil between hers. “Where is it?” asked a woman in white stepping forward. Her piercing green eyes scared Jade. “WHERE IS IT?!” she screamed at them, the soft gray bob around her neck shook with her fury. “I don’t know what you mean,” Jade responded looking away from the scary woman. “You,” she growled at Sarah as she grabbed her by the throat forcing her to her feet. “Don’t you little bitches play games with me, I know you know what I’m talking about,” she spat at her. “Listen I don’t know what you’re looking for but we just met 2 days ago! Something happened and I don’t know why but people have been trying to kill us!” Jade yelled out hoping to distract the woman. She let go of Sarah, who had now dropped her hands behind her back, and knelled in front of Jade. She smiled. “Something happened?” she asked snidely. Before Jade could answer, the room filled with screams. She turned and looked up expecting to see Sarah, but she had vanished. The woman in front of her spun and stood to her feet “SHOOT HER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS”, she shouted wildly across the room. One by one all the agents in white fell, blood flowing down the front of their suits. Jade clenched her eye lids closed tight. She couldn’t stand the sight of blood, it made her queasy.
“You wouldn’t dare,” Jade heard the scary woman say, the confidence of her words was gone. She opened her eyes to find Sarah in front of the woman, the tip of the pencil held firmly to her jugular. “Jade get up and walk to the door,” Sarah asked of Jade calmly. Jade hesitated. “Monica won’t hurt you, will you Monica?” Sarah inquired of the scary woman, smirking. Jade pondered how Sarah knew her. Monica said nothing but tightened her lips. “WILL YOU?” Sarah yelled this time pushing the pencil tip slightly more into her skin. “No” Monica finally responded. Jade slowly stood and inched past the twotowards the door. “You know they’ll find her, you can keep running but you can’t hide” Monica alleged slowly when Jade reached the door. Jade looked back, confused. Did she say “she”? Turning to Sarah she opened her mouth to ask that very thing but before she could Monica hit the floor with a thud. Blood gushed from the open wound across her throat, her eyes rolled up as she gasped her last breath. Instead what came from Jade’s mouth was “Why do you do that?! More importantly how are you doing this? The pencil’s barely sharpened!” Sarah smiled wiping the bloody pencil onto her black jeans. “Like I said,” Sarah retorted, “not my fault.”
I’ve got moonlight in my hands
The warmth of a star so close to me
can’t even comprehend
This beautiful soul I see
She’s got this smile about her
That from the corner gently teases
Coaxing kisses from lips so soft
My heart skips into pieces
It’s not often I’m silent in her presence
Pumping her full of my pointless banter
But just one glance up from those eyes
And nothing I’ve said matters
She’s snowfall over bonfires
Or rainfall in a drought
She’s the Carmel to my apple
And everything life’s about
So with this moonlight in my hands
And the warmth of a star so close to me
We’ll stroll through the darkness
Blowing down blunt wrapped trees