Throwback

It was just a week ago

I was floating in dreams
Heart beating for you
But things weren’t as they seemed
It was just a month ago
I was writing for you
Confessing my love
But falling for words untrue
Seems like just yesterday
You were holding my hand
Kissing my lips
Telling me you were my man
But today is different
From all those other times
I finally woke up
And realized you were never mine
So why is it that you still possess my thoughts
I still want your love, without it I’m lost
How is it that your name still rest on my tongue
memories of a fake love song unsung
When will it stop, this endless ache for you
When can I stop loving you?
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I Found You

Pumping through my chest

Is a hope for a change

A notion in my mind

That nothing will ever be the same

The world couldn’t prepare me

For what was placed in my life

At this time, in this space

Out of nowhere came a fight

To have the greatest thing, I’ve ever dreamed

And through the darkness shone a light

Like an age old star

Shining brightly in the night

It was shown to me just what I needed

A real love at new heights

A devotion of truth

The dedication to my soul

Undying attraction

That never gets old

It came unexpectedly

This feeling

When I looked into your eyes

I’d been running a race

But finally got my prize

Low

How are you feeling? Fine.

Overtime I’ve learned to add in other descriptions…oh you know tired, or good good, I’m good. But the best one is I’m fine.

I can’t tell you I feel broken, because you’ll say my pieces are a beautiful collage of lessons I’ve learned. I can’t say I feel hollow because you’ll suggest I find something that has weight and meaning in my life. I don’t say how alone I feel because someone’s always here for me. I can’t explain it. The emptiness. The sadness. It’s unexplainable, it’s just here. And I learn to deal with it. It comes in and takes hold and I learn to go quietly. I sit in the corner of my mind wishing for nothing.

Nobody sets me off, sometimes it’s just a wave of emotion. Most of the time it’s too many thoughts at once. Like an overcrowded q&a session. Why can’t you smile more? Where do you hurt the most? Isn’t this what happy feels like? Did you pray about it? Are you sure? Where’s all your money? How did you make it this far? Why aren’t you dead yet? And after the questions come the answers, and they sting worse than the unexpected tears. You’re nose looks too big when you smile, so don’t. Your heart hurts because you don’t deserve it. You’ll never know what happy feels like. Praying never works. You can’t be trusted. You spend it on nothing. You’ve made it by chance. You’re only here till you’ve had enough.

have you had enough yet?

High

How are you feeling? *smiles* Amazing

This is the best time of my life. There’s joy, and anticipation for things that are yet to come. I’m excited.

This is the part of me you know, the part you’re most comfortable with. I’ll smile and laugh and you’ll know I mean it. In fact it’s infectious, I’ve got you feeling good too. I tell you about all my plans and how everything’s going well…and even the things that aren’t so great are still working pieces to an awesome end that’s coming. There’s no mountain too big for me. No sea too wide for me to swim. I am unstoppable.

I’ll spend days fixated on research for plans I’ve made in the dead of the night. Sleeping only at the point of exhaustion because I have so many things to do! I need to make sure I have this right because without all the answers I can’t make a decision, and if I don’t make a decision soon things will get confusing, but I’m not sure which is the right decision so it’s best if I just have a plan for all outcomes because then I’ll know what to expect each step of the way as I plan out my next move so that my life can finally reach the potential everyone seems to see in me that ignites me to think that nothing for me is impossible because I have powers beyond anything you’ve ever seen I mean look how far I’ve come and what I’ve done and who I’ve met and and and…..it goes on

Hey Girl Hey

Tough Girl

Pretty Girl

Smart Girl

Hey….

Don’t let those labels define how you feel today.

Cover that frown if you must, wipe those tears away quick but remember it’s ok for you to feel like shit.

Sweet Girl

Loving Girl

Nice Girl

Hey…

Don’t let those labels define you on any given day.

Your kindness has been abused, you can guard your heart. It belongs to you first, let them earn a part.

Inspiring Girl

Confident Girl

Worthy Girl

Hey…

These labels are the ones to strive for everyday.

You have weathered through storms and moved mountains from your view. Keep shining bright and looking forward, your best supporter is YOU.

A Letter To My Ex’s

*clears throat* uhhumm

This is not a giant fuck you to my past haters.

This is a collective thank you in a passive aggressive, sarcastic, yes of course I’m saying Fuck You sort of way.

Thank you for teaching me how NOT to love. Those stepping stones of submissive, forgiving, and basically doormat behavior have prepared me for a real understanding and deserving type of love.

You see I don’t blame you. Well I never blamed you and that was part of the problem, but not the topic I’m discussing right now. I don’t blame you because I’ve realized that it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know. And try as I might to escape my twisted childhood abuse by looking for a knight in shining armor, I simply ran into the arms of a newly manufactured knight from the same factory of my tormentor. See none of you have become masters at what you’re doing, I had been brainwashed by a pro so how was I to know when I’d encountered an amateur?

Manipulation is the only love language I was taught. Control was the affection I was shown. I tried my hardest to avoid anyone who reminded me of my abuser. Mean, spiteful, uncaring. Nobody in their right mind wants those characteristics in a partner, right? I’m not the only person avoiding those asshats. However nobody had ever explained the traits of a narcissist to me. I’d always believed a narcissist was just a self centered person, but oh have ya’ll taught me just how complex you all are.

A narcissist by definition is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Not far off from my thought right? But the definition fails to mention the in-depth workings of narcissistic people. How they’ll come off as charismatic. Nothings ever their fault. They are ALWAYS the victim. And how you can never EVER tell them no. My favorite quote that summarizes narcissistic behavior says “Don’t ever forget a Narcissist is, First and Foremost, an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense” -Zari Ballard. And there you have it folks, a quick synopsis of every got damn relationship I’ve been in.

So no I don’t blame you, remember I never did. How could I escape if what was killing me was the only way I’d known love. You start to believe that it’s just how it is. It’s how loves supposed to be.

You know what tho? I have evolved. I see the light, no I am the fucking light. So thank you for blinding me, I felt my way around and now that I can see, my horizon is looking damn beautiful.

But still, Fuck You.

Music Therapy…

I never understood what music did for me. I only knew how it made me feel. More than lyrics touched my soul. Every tempo, upbeat and 808 pulses through me like wavelengths stringing the pump of my heart. But I was reminded tonight just how deep my connection to music is. Songs I’ve heard a thousand times before for some reason seemed to speak directly to me. They were written for me. Maybe it’s with the clarity of understanding myself or the freedom of knowing I can make my own decisions without concern for other opinions but I finally feel like I’ve gotten it together. I finally see myself as above it all. I am light.

11/23/17

My Sober mind remembers but I drink to forget. A thousand memories replay, a million feeling of regret. Times of past that made sense then, but hindsight 20/20 makes me realize when, my heart was racing and my head was aching, all the stabs I was taking were just you trying to make me understand what I was hoping to forget. How many times can I’m sorry bandage a vein bleeding out, how many kisses does it take for you to just breathe out and exhale all the anger and despair that’s holding I you back. I can’t control your mind, how was I suppose to fix that.

Stupid Bitch

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a sentimental bitch.

Caring way too much what the fuck people think of her, always aiming to please. 

And if at anytime she slips, if at anytime she falters or misses….her worlds askew 

Tilted and off kilter all because she was mute.

Never finding the happy medium between caring too much or not caring at all, always high or low. 

Even the lowest of low opinion stabs at her heart. Caring to always be seen in a good light.

I really wish I wasn’t such a loving little bitch. 

Thinking that love can cure all. Ready and willing to forgive.

Being stepped on, taking kicks to the chin. Still smiling accepting the pain because even through black eyes love always wins.

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