Adult != Coffee

I just reached a point in my life. A defining point. One I realize as I write this will be a day I look back on in the future as a marker for when something began. I told my wife yesterday “this coffee taste amazing”. And I didn’t mean in a, “I really need some coffee, any coffee for *insert what ever random reason here*. I meant it truly tasted amazing. I could tell the freshness and authenticity of how it tasted and it was euphoric. I was surprised.

I’d bought the coffee absentmindedly while looking for crystals in this new holistic shop, spotting it while waiting to checkout. I think I’d read somewhere earlier that day that mixing coffee with lemon juice could help burn stomach fat, plus we were almost out of k-cups. So I grabbed the plastic lined paper pouch, that had “Columbia” written over a white sticker label, and proceeded to checkout. Once home it was tucked away behind the near empty box of Green Mountain k-cups. And as predicted we ran out of k-cups. So out came “Columbia” and Boom went my mind. Guys I was like seriously happy. I could feel the happy. On top of that, I felt matured. I finally know the difference between shit diner coffee you drink because you’re cold, or hungover, or just needed something to shock you (even if it’s because it taste so bad) awake, I finally knew good fucking coffee when I tasted it. So I tell my wife….and she AGREES.

Now I know you’re thinking this is probably that defining moment this initial facebook status, turned full-out journal rant was about, but no. I knew she’d agree, we always agree. But while writing the FB status, I reflected on the moment a little longer and started to undress the urge to elaborate. So I began a note, which lead to a word document ultimately pasted here. I realized quite quickly that I needed to document this moment because I’m going to want to know when exactly I became alive.

I always drank coffee because it’s “supposed” to wake you up. Unfortunately, never did any cup of coffee keep me awake. If I can’t wake up, then waking up just isn’t an option in that moment. So coffee became the sidekick to my real morning helper, nicotine. Coffee and a cigarette has always seemed the epitome of adulthood to me. And at 19, I was as adult as they come. 9-5 job, dream car, apartment living, bills due. I’ve been sipping coffee in the morning my whole adult life. Drinking this coffee however made me really FEEL like an adult. A fully functioning, non dependent, emotionally healthy, alive adult. I finally felt those things. I didn’t think I would make it past 18. I tried to end it all at 21. By 25 I figured I was living on borrowed time, so YOLO right? I have lived 1,000 lives. I’v done embarrassingly pathetic things to TRY and feel alive. Now…I’m living. Fully living my life exactly how I want, and no it’s not perfect (cause no one is) but finally I FEEL alive. And if I’m being totally honest, it wasn’t the coffee. The coffee was just the catalyst. It was a location drop in my memory for me to one day reminisce where I started. To look at where I am now as a starting point of my future is the euphoria I felt.

However, it was some good fucking coffee.

₣ɎⱤɆ

I’ve got moonlight in my hands

The warmth of a star so close to me

can’t even comprehend

This beautiful soul I see

She’s got this smile about her

That from the corner gently teases

Coaxing kisses from lips so soft

My heart skips into pieces

It’s not often I’m silent in her presence

Pumping her full of my pointless banter

But just one glance up from those eyes

And nothing I’ve said matters

She’s snowfall over bonfires

Or rainfall in a drought

She’s the Carmel to my apple

And everything life’s about

So with this moonlight in my hands

And the warmth of a star so close to me

We’ll stroll through the darkness

Blowing down blunt wrapped trees

Pause, a ᴿᴱᶠᴸᴱᶜᵀᴵᴼᴺ

I had to fall apart to see all the pieces

Laid out in front of me like a road map to recovery I could pinpoint exactly where the rip in my seem was. I had been stuffing myself full of nothings. Full of air, no weight inside threatening to collapse from lack of structure. Who taught you how to love? I had been stumbling along crafting hopes and dreams but what was 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮….

𝓑𝓛𝓤𝓔

Can I just lay with you till the morning comes, till our lips have dried and fingers undone. Listening intently as your chest raises and falls, it’s here in your arms that my demons crawl slowly but away, escaping our fairytale turned raw. In the morning as the sun seeps through like honey blood, sticky shining down on this unshakable love.

Premonition 

I promise I will burn this world. Scorch it darker than midnights with no moons. My mind screams constantly with regrets of missed openings, tiny slits that needed to be pried. Cracked doors that begged to be swung wide, quickly I walked past adverting my eyes. I will stand confidently alone. No props or side bars, no braces or crutches. No shade. Reminding myself continuously, that by myself, there’s nothing myself can’t accomplish myself. Letting my voice be the loudest one I hear. The only one that matters. Loving and soothing, I won’t need reassurance. I feel the candle flickering, the flame gently tickling. And soon….I will burn this world.

30 Jun 2016

I have a test at 1….. I didn’t study. Not so much because I don’t care, but because I believe in the depths of my soul that studying is counter productive. Yes, sounds lazy I know. However I’ve come to realize that I remember a lot of stuff, stuff I don’t even mean to remember half the time. The problem is recalling it on que. I can remember the name of the perfume the lady at Sephora recommended to me 2 months ago, but the 3 P’s of productivity? I either know them or I don’t. In this case I don’t, more importantly I don’t want to. If I had wasted 20 mins of my life studying the 3 P’s of productivity I would’ve never seen my puppy chase her tail for the first time. Those 3 P’s would’ve taken a precious memory from me…..damn those 3 P’s. And what the hell are the 3 P’s going to do for me in the long run, honestly? If I haven’t been productive before this point in my life, is suddenly being aware of the 3 P’s going to improve that probability? Probably not. Phuck the P’s.

P.S. The 3 P’s are positivity, performance, and precision

P.S.S…… I just made those up…..they sound good though, right? 🙂

I can do ANYTHING better than you (or at least give me the option too) Part 1

“Anything you can do, I can do better” I loved that song as a kid. Never did I imagine as an adult I would find myself repeating it silently in my head almost daily. Women’s equality has always been an issue in the world….the big wide all-consuming world. But I didn’t think it applied to my small world. You see I’m employed by a male dominated work force. It’s a fact that’s painfully obvious. Us girls make up about 14%. However for the past 6 years my office has been equally mixed, or dominantly female. I was living in a small secure bubble that was about to be popped into obscurity. 6 months ago I moved to a new section. Ecstatic about having job growth and new experiences, the fact that I was going to be working with 9 men didn’t seem important. That was my first misconception of many. I’ve always had the assumption that my employer only hired educated, progressive, and cultured (or those capable of one day gaining these attributes) individuals. That, I’ve found is not nearly the case. Upon my first week of work, while slowly acquiring tools needed to accomplish my daily task, I was advised not to “feminize” my area. Actually I was jokingly (not joking) told not to “hang a bunch of girly $h!t”, followed by a course of laughter. Naturally I immediately went out after work and bought the most girlish décor I could think of at the time. Am I into girly things? Sure I’m a woman, I like pretty things. However I have never in my 7 years of employment purposely decorated my area with any specific girlish décor. I didn’t even have my bedroom decorated. My cubicle now looks like Tinker Bell and her fairy friends dumped steaming piles of fairy dust and friendship on it, just for the enjoyment of my fellow coworkers. Do I like Tinker Bell? Sure I occasionally watched Tink and her friends with my 5 yr old daughter; she makes some very good points about sharing and caring. My purpose for utilizing her though was not for my love of all things fairy, but I’m almost 100% sure no one else in this office was told not to hang “girly $h!t”. In hindsight, if I had thought this through (as my husband suggested as I stormed through Target filling my cart with anything pink, purple or periwinkle) I would have realized I have to sit here not them. It does amuse me however when upper management (all male) walks through with furrowed eyebrows because it looks like a legit fairy princess lives in my cubicle. They never say anything, just stare then advert their eyes when I make eye contact……

Wicked Thoughts

Smoking was my nastiest habit

that’s how I think of you

A blemish on my perfectly imperfect life

You live to make mistakes

promises made to be broken, lies told when words spoken

I don’t dislike what transpired

I was drawn to it

dragged to it like the nicotine from the filter of my newports

that rushing high felt when your drug of false love hit my veins

left me feeling filthy like the ash tray of a mouth I had

the blanket of a toddler being pulled across the floor

mindlessly cause you cling to it but chase every bright object that crosses your eye

you wouldn’t let me go

No matter how hard I tried to kick the habit

I was always brought back

even now the thought of a puff makes me lick my lips in wonder

what if