Cold Hearted

There’s a lover inside of you

Tender and kind

A being who appreciates 

Sweet kisses and time

There’s a lover inside you

That wants long gazes and hugs

Snuggled up in the covers just because

There’s a lover inside you

Who wants nothing more

Than the lover in someone else

To take the time to explore

Every crevice and curve 

Every heartbreak and tear

Someone who genuinely just wants you near

But there’s an Ego around you

That blocks out the pain

Keeps away the hurt and despair 

That comes with the rain

There’s an Ego around you

That pushes people away

To protect the soft heart inside you

That can’t take another heartbreak 

There’s an Ego around you

That lashes out cloked as wit

Sarcastic phrases, cynical shit 

This Ego around you 

Casts the image of a black heart

But I see through your veil

I think I see a warm start

Of the lover inside you

Wanting to emerge again

And I’ve got nothing but time

So I’ll wait till you let me in.

Weapons of Choice

“Can I borrow your pencil?” Sarah asked, in a barely audible whisper. “Nope. No freakin way, not after what happened last time” Jade responded almost violently in her whisper back. “Awww come on that wasn’t even my fault,” Sarah turned while answering Jade. Looking at her head on in this small of a confined space seemed as if Jade was intruding on a private moment. She could smell Sarah’s cherry chap stick on her lips and the amount of hair spray she’d used to put her hair in a bun, that was after everything they’d been through today, barely hanging on. “Gimmie the pencil” she demanded. After 10 seconds of staring each other down, Jade finally dropped her chin to her chest and produced the pencil from her cargo pocket. “Please don’t kill anybody” Jade begged as Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Listen,” Sarah breathed out taking the pencil. “I didn’t come here planning to kill anyone, but if I have to in order to protect you, I will. Just like last time, just like always” She placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder and used the other to lift her chin. “Don’t worry, it’s just a pencil,” she smiled just as all hell broke loose. The closet door they’d been hiding behind flew open at mach speed. 

“GET DOWN ON THE GROUD,” the people in all white yelled. The girls complied. Dropping to their knees they laced both hands behind their heads, Sarah holding the pencil between hers. “Where is it?” asked a woman in white stepping forward. Her piercing green eyes scared Jade. “WHERE IS IT?!” she screamed at them, the soft gray bob around her neck shook with her fury. “I don’t know what you mean,” Jade responded looking away from the scary woman. “You,” she growled at Sarah as she grabbed her by the throat forcing her to her feet. “Don’t you little bitches play games with me, I know you know what I’m talking about,” she spat at her. “Listen I don’t know what you’re looking for but we just met 2 days ago! Something happened and I don’t know why but people have been trying to kill us!” Jade yelled out hoping to distract the woman. She let go of Sarah, who had now dropped her hands behind her back, and knelled in front of Jade. She smiled. “Something happened?” she asked snidely. Before Jade could answer, the room filled with screams. She turned and looked up expecting to see Sarah, but she had vanished. The woman in front of her spun and stood to her feet “SHOOT HER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS”, she shouted wildly across the room. One by one all the agents in white fell, blood flowing down the front of their suits. Jade clenched her eye lids closed tight. She couldn’t stand the sight of blood, it made her queasy.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Jade heard the scary woman say, the confidence of her words was gone. She opened her eyes to find Sarah in front of the woman, the tip of the pencil held firmly to her jugular. “Jade get up and walk to the door,” Sarah asked of Jade calmly. Jade hesitated. “Monica won’t hurt you, will you Monica?” Sarah inquired of the scary woman, smirking. Jade pondered how Sarah knew her. Monica said nothing but tightened her lips. “WILL YOU?” Sarah yelled this time pushing the pencil tip slightly more into her skin. “No” Monica finally responded. Jade slowly stood and inched past the twotowards the door. “You know they’ll find her, you can keep running but you can’t hide” Monica alleged slowly when Jade reached the door. Jade looked back, confused. Did she say “she”? Turning to Sarah she opened her mouth to ask that very thing but before she could Monica hit the floor with a thud. Blood gushed from the open wound across her throat, her eyes rolled up as she gasped her last breath. Instead what came from Jades mouth was “Why do you do that?! More importantly how are you doing this? The pencils barely sharpened!” Sarah smiled wiping the bloody pencil onto her black jeans. “Like I said,” Sarah retorted, “not my fault.”

𝓑𝓛𝓤𝓔

Can I just lay with you till the morning comes, till our lips have dried and fingers undone. Listening intently as your chest raises and falls, it’s here in your arms that my demons crawl slowly but away, escaping our fairytale turned raw. In the morning as the sun seeps through like honey blood, sticky shining down on this unshakable love.

Hollow Relationships

This is an ode to the often misinterpreted loves.

To the friendships that seem deep and knowing, when really they’re just a tally of who’s done what so far. The friendships that at one time seemed close, but lately just exists. The ones who’ve turned their confidant into a sounding board, just someone to talk at rather than talk to. Those close friends who can no longer determine if they hate you or just the things you do.

A toast to the parents who should be loving an understanding, but instead have become judgemental and demanding. No longer wishing for your hopes and dreams, but envious of your “unearned” success. Cause you know….you had it easy because of them.

Oh and lets not forget those lovers of past and present. Those everlasting, never-ending, enduring, unconditional..you name it, loves. The ones who said they’d never hurt you, leave you or deceive you loves. The ones who smile in you’re face and tell  you “Everything’s Great“, loves. Those tricky, conniving ……..convince  you the relationships “thriving” loves. You fall asleep next to, but wake alone loves. The “hey I called you”oh “i didn’t mean to text YOU” loves. The “I love you” but I’m not in “LOVE” with you loves.

Hollow relationships are hard to identify till you look internally and realize you’re not whole. You may walk, talk, and motion through the movements……but are YOU really there. It’s just a shell. You’re saying what you think is right….but do you believe it. You’re reacting how you THINK you should, but do you feel it. Are you there? Sometime you don’t know it’s not reality. If you fake it long enough, it’s easier to swallow.  Don’t be hollow. Say what you mean. Show how you feel. Real love will endure.

How does one become a Famous Blogger?

I’m sure we’ve all wondered this at some point. How can I gather a dedicated following? How can I entice people with my thoughts? How do I get famous for my writing? No? Just me? Ok.

I’ve never subscribed to a blog. In fact, up until last year I didn’t even subscribe to channels on Youtube. I didn’t understand the purpose. Why would I want to be constantly updated about your make-up routine? Do I really need to follow you to Target? Is it my business that your 2yr old has stopped breast-feeding? Then one day I stumbled across this young man telling a story. A simple story about his first time dating outside his race. However, his story was so comically unreal I was hooked. I couldn’t wait to hear what happened next and when it ended I wanted to watch it again. So I did. Then I watched another video of him recanting his 12th birthday. Then another of him explaining why he still lived at home and before I knew it I had watched 10 of this mans videos. I understood now. Other’s lives can be interesting. So interesting in fact, that you feel the need to know almost daily what they’re up to. People who like you, work, live and play. People who understand your struggle to lose weight. They understand your frustration with Obama. They totally relate to taking it up the butt……they get you.

The phenomenon of vlogging has encompassed my generation. “World!! I must tell you, NO! Show you, what my life is like! Follow me as I……go to school” However blogging requires a bit more brain cells. Formulating a complete paragraph, in writing and letting the world read it takes balls. Getting people to like it…..that takes something else. Something I haven’t exactly found yet. In all honesty, I’m not even sure it’s something I really want. Should somebody be waiting with baited breath for me to tell them about how much I hate math? I feel like that’s a universal sentiment. But who knows, maybe I can spin it in a way you’ve yet to hear. For now I’ll continue to be the lazy un-famous blogger that you barely know and kinda like.

I can do ANYTHING better than you (or at least give me the option too) Part 1

“Anything you can do, I can do better” I loved that song as a kid. Never did I imagine as an adult I would find myself repeating it silently in my head almost daily. Women’s equality has always been an issue in the world….the big wide all-consuming world. But I didn’t think it applied to my small world. You see I’m employed by a male dominated work force. It’s a fact that’s painfully obvious. Us girls make up about 14%. However for the past 6 years my office has been equally mixed, or dominantly female. I was living in a small secure bubble that was about to be popped into obscurity. 6 months ago I moved to a new section. Ecstatic about having job growth and new experiences, the fact that I was going to be working with 9 men didn’t seem important. That was my first misconception of many. I’ve always had the assumption that my employer only hired educated, progressive, and cultured (or those capable of one day gaining these attributes) individuals. That, I’ve found is not nearly the case. Upon my first week of work, while slowly acquiring tools needed to accomplish my daily task, I was advised not to “feminize” my area. Actually I was jokingly (not joking) told not to “hang a bunch of girly $h!t”, followed by a course of laughter. Naturally I immediately went out after work and bought the most girlish décor I could think of at the time. Am I into girly things? Sure I’m a woman, I like pretty things. However I have never in my 7 years of employment purposely decorated my area with any specific girlish décor. I didn’t even have my bedroom decorated. My cubicle now looks like Tinker Bell and her fairy friends dumped steaming piles of fairy dust and friendship on it, just for the enjoyment of my fellow coworkers. Do I like Tinker Bell? Sure I occasionally watched Tink and her friends with my 5 yr old daughter; she makes some very good points about sharing and caring. My purpose for utilizing her though was not for my love of all things fairy, but I’m almost 100% sure no one else in this office was told not to hang “girly $h!t”. In hindsight, if I had thought this through (as my husband suggested as I stormed through Target filling my cart with anything pink, purple or periwinkle) I would have realized I have to sit here not them. It does amuse me however when upper management (all male) walks through with furrowed eyebrows because it looks like a legit fairy princess lives in my cubicle. They never say anything, just stare then advert their eyes when I make eye contact……

She waits

As she watches the sunset just past the window pane, the beating of her heart quickens

Breathing deep she lays down for sleep knowing, hoping it’s the same as every night before

And she waits

For the deep slumber to control her, for her mind to break free

It’s only here that she feels the love unconditional of a romance yet to be

She’s with him every night behind heavy eyelids and dark walls

Underneath the blankets so warm holding her pillow close

He whispers in her ear “my dear you’ve been away to long”

Every day she waits for night to hear him sing this loving song…

“My love for you runs deeper than the oceans deepest part,

And every moment you’re away you take with you my heart

There is no place upon this earth where I won’t be with you

I’ll wait forever and a night to have this love so true

Please stay with me, don’t ever leave. I’ll give you all you need

And what you want I promise you will find right here in me”

The stars shine bright as she listens to the voice of a man she never sees

But on the horizon the sun starts to creep slowly upon the pane

And she waits

For each night before she wakes a sweet kiss touches her lips

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