Day 12

Shooter Pt2

Why was this guy being such a creep? Well pushy anyway, I guess I’d be more so the creep. At least that’s what I’ve been told. My graduation thesis was a compiled portfolio of my professor. The assignment was living Art, she was my subject. I thought it’d be cool to surprise her with all the off guard pictures of her living her life. Wasn’t my fault she was cheating, I legitimately thought the guy I’d kept snapping her with was her husband. Either way her written response included the words creepy, intruding, and even evil. I passed with an A in the class. She even said I’d have a promising career in investigative photography or as a peeping tom, I chose neither. Yes occasionally I might catch someone doing something they probably won’t want on film for the rest of eternity, however Noah’s reaction was out of line. You can barely tell who it is least of all what he was doing. Fucking weirdos, they’re everywhere. I heard the bars door bell jingle from being opened. Turning and finally getting out of my own head I continued my task, taking before shots. Soon the party planners crew along with the chef were in and out filling the bar and distracting me from the interaction with Noah, whom since disappearing with a case of champagne, had not been seen.

“Attention! Attention everyone,” a familiar shrill British voice called out across the bar of workers. “Listen, the official party is set to arrive in 45 minutes and guest will start arriving in the next 20. Let’s tighten up the space and can I have the photographer at the door in 2 minutes please!” the voice called out. I peeked through the crowd to see the planner who’d hired me. I saw her searching for my face in the sea of workers but she found Nova first. “Ahh you dear,” she called to her. Nova continued sitting at the table right in front. She had been reviewing my shots from a previous job the day before on her laptop. “Sweetheart,” she addressed her while tapping her shoulder. “Yea” Nova responded never looking up. My face flushed red. Right here, right now I really needed her to put on her customer service face and she was failing, miserably. “Will you find Benji and make sure he’s at the door in 2 minutes?” the planner asked, almost cautiously as not to upset Nova. “BENJI!” Nova yelled startling everyone. They turned to look at the only guy clearly holding a professional camera. I slowly raised my hand and pointed to the door. “Headed that way” I resentfully said not even bothering to look at Nova. I was going to have to talk to her, this was getting out of hand. “Thanks dear!” the planner responded relieved she no longer had to interact with my cold as ice assistant.

The only reason I took this job is to avoid people, so why am I always around so many got damn people. It seems to be a reality I can never escape. As much as I try to blend into the background, I still must deal with the people around. It’s not like in nature when everything just seems to flow. No people want to talk and be acknowledged. I thought hiding behind a camera would save me, turns out it might kill me. I just haven’t realized it yet.

Day 11

Here’s a short story I’ve been working on today that I can hopefully finish before the end of the week:

Shooters Pt. 1

There’s just something about photography that only photographers get. Yea sure the newest phones boost the ability to take professional pictures, but until you’ve tried capturing the sun glistening from water drops sliding down the petals of lilies, while simultaneously trying not to disturb the natural setting, you haven’t captured anything yet.  Ok in my defense my freshman final shouldn’t be set as the bar for photography but there’s a point to my ramble. You need more than a phone to really get the perfect shot. You need to blend, you have to disappear. It was this factor that lead me to today’s events. A lot had changed in my life since soaking my socks in ponds scattered throughout the forest of Seattle. College came and went and so did girlfriends, my cat, and the fashion forwardness of hipsters (which let’s be honest probably should’ve never been considered fashion). I was still standing though, well currently sitting. I slid my circle glasses (remnants of my hipster days) up to the top of my head, pushing my sandy brown cut back slightly. Picking up my camera I started my session. Today’s events included doing before and after pics of a swanky engagement party. Not exactly soul reveling work, I know, but I gotta pay the bills.

“Benji don’t forget the bar,” my monotone assistant Nova reminded me as she set up. I nodded. I don’t speak much, probably the only reason Nova still has a job. Also probably the reason I can’t keep a girlfriend. Not that Nova’s a horrible assistant. She just doesn’t care. About anything really, but she doesn’t bother me, so we work. I stood up from the table I’d been capturing and turned to get the bar. These people were really going all out. A fully stocked, top shelf, free bar. I mean champagne, bourbons, vodka, every whiskey you could think of. I lifted my camera back to my face and just as I snapped my picture a figure stood up from behind the bar. “Aww man, I wasn’t ready,” a mouth underneath a scruffy beard emitted. Lowering my camera I stared in wonder. Weren’t me and Nova the only two people in here? “I’m sorry I didn’t think anyone else was here,” I offered extending my hand, “I’m Benji.” “Noah,” the beard retorted smiling, I think. “Noah this is Nova,” I said as Nova walked by offering only a head nod in his direction. “Can I see the picture?” Noah asked not even acknowledging Nova. My fingers holding my camera flittered. I don’t normally let people view my work before it’s finished. I wasn’t even sure he was in the picture to begin with. Where had he come from? I lifted my lens to review the previous picture.

 Just then Noah hopped over the bar smoothly and was standing at my shoulder. “Sorry my guy, I barely got you”, I told him as he stood uncomfortably close trying to also see my cameras feedback. It was true, it looked as if he’d been about to stand up right however he’d peaked over the bar before fully extending. The photo had only captured the top of Noah’s head down the tip of his nose. Couldn’t even make out the enormous beard on his face. Just his piercing brown eyes throwing daggers through my camera. “Oh in that case delete it,” was Noah’s seemingly gleeful response. “Sure will,” I answered him dropping the lens to my side again, inching away as I did so. He was too close for comfort. But as I tried my best to shimmy slowly away from the barkeep, he somehow was still too close. “No, now,” he said resolutely. I turned to look at him only to find those piercing brown eyes already staring at me. “Well, I kind of have a process” I started to explain because it was true. I don’t like to delete photos from any event until I’ve had time to review them. Some of my most awesome pictures were accidents I was able to edit into masterpieces. “and right now I have to finish doing my before job BEFORE it turns into the after” I decided to say. No need in getting distracted, I already had to stay for the entire 4 hour event, soon others would be showing up. Noah grabbed my right wrist firmly and grabbed the camera with his other hand. Just as my heart rate started to sky rocket Nova re-entered from wherever she’d disappeared to. Noah let me go and hopped back over the bar. “No worries,” he said back turned to me. He lifted a case of champagne from the floor onto his shoulder. “I’ll get it later,” he finished, walking into the kitchen behind the bar. “What the actual fuck,” I said aloud. Nova looked up from her phone blankly. Her silent blinks asked nothing, they more so told me to calm down and shut up. Her indifference kept me from explaining why I was making expletive filled statements loudly. I looked down at my camera, she looked back down at her phone.

Say It

You can only say I love you in so many ways

You can only say I’m sorry for so many days

Before the pain sets in and the clouds fill with tears

At the realization of my worst fears

So I need you to say it, and say it over again

That I’m not the one you want as your friend

Your defender from all

Your sun shining bright

Not the one you want to kiss goodnight

You can only say I love you in so many ways

You can’t stand to say I’m sorry another day

So leave if you have to, I’m all too good at goodbyes

Leave now without another lie

Say it again and I’ll believe it’s true

Say it again so I’ll stop loving you

Adult != Coffee

I just reached a point in my life. A defining point. One I realize as I write this will be a day I look back on in the future as a marker for when something began. I told my wife yesterday “this coffee taste amazing”. And I didn’t mean in a, “I really need some coffee, any coffee for *insert what ever random reason here*. I meant it truly tasted amazing. I could tell the freshness and authenticity of how it tasted and it was euphoric. I was surprised.

I’d bought the coffee absentmindedly while looking for crystals in this new holistic shop, spotting it while waiting to checkout. I think I’d read somewhere earlier that day that mixing coffee with lemon juice could help burn stomach fat, plus we were almost out of k-cups. So I grabbed the plastic lined paper pouch, that had “Columbia” written over a white sticker label, and proceeded to checkout. Once home it was tucked away behind the near empty box of Green Mountain k-cups. And as predicted we ran out of k-cups. So out came “Columbia” and Boom went my mind. Guys I was like seriously happy. I could feel the happy. On top of that, I felt matured. I finally know the difference between shit diner coffee you drink because you’re cold, or hungover, or just needed something to shock you (even if it’s because it taste so bad) awake, I finally knew good fucking coffee when I tasted it. So I tell my wife….and she AGREES.

Now I know you’re thinking this is probably that defining moment this initial facebook status, turned full-out journal rant was about, but no. I knew she’d agree, we always agree. But while writing the FB status, I reflected on the moment a little longer and started to undress the urge to elaborate. So I began a note, which lead to a word document ultimately pasted here. I realized quite quickly that I needed to document this moment because I’m going to want to know when exactly I became alive.

I always drank coffee because it’s “supposed” to wake you up. Unfortunately, never did any cup of coffee keep me awake. If I can’t wake up, then waking up just isn’t an option in that moment. So coffee became the sidekick to my real morning helper, nicotine. Coffee and a cigarette has always seemed the epitome of adulthood to me. And at 19, I was as adult as they come. 9-5 job, dream car, apartment living, bills due. I’ve been sipping coffee in the morning my whole adult life. Drinking this coffee however made me really FEEL like an adult. A fully functioning, non dependent, emotionally healthy, alive adult. I finally felt those things. I didn’t think I would make it past 18. I tried to end it all at 21. By 25 I figured I was living on borrowed time, so YOLO right? I have lived 1,000 lives. I’v done embarrassingly pathetic things to TRY and feel alive. Now…I’m living. Fully living my life exactly how I want, and no it’s not perfect (cause no one is) but finally I FEEL alive. And if I’m being totally honest, it wasn’t the coffee. The coffee was just the catalyst. It was a location drop in my memory for me to one day reminisce where I started. To look at where I am now as a starting point of my future is the euphoria I felt.

However, it was some good fucking coffee.

Black Lines

The smudge of her charcoal eyeliner felt heavy on her hand. Shit she thought. What was the point?

Pretty faces blinked eyelashes full. Her mascara couldn’t do half. Highlighted cheek bones glowed golden peach. Only brittled scars from battle acne riddled her pores. Piling on concealer, layering walls covering tear streaks etched. Lips matted red, chipped teeth grinning because you’re never fully dressed without a smile she pushed. Head high, chin up beautiful because confidence is key. Show them who you want to be. Give that energy, poor out good. Let your hearts compass guide through life’s tries and never let your words go misunderstood.

That was the point she thought, wiping the charcoal from her hand. Keep going.

Weapons of Choice

“Can I borrow your pencil?” Sarah asked, in a barely audible whisper. “Nope. No freakin way, not after what happened last time” Jade responded almost violently in her whisper back. “Awww come on that wasn’t even my fault,” Sarah turned while answering Jade. Looking at her head on in this small of a confined space seemed as if Jade was intruding on a private moment. She could smell Sarah’s cherry chap stick on her lips and the amount of hair spray she’d used to put her hair in a bun, that was after everything they’d been through today, barely hanging on. “Gimmie the pencil” she demanded. After 10 seconds of staring each other down, Jade finally dropped her chin to her chest and produced the pencil from her cargo pocket. “Please don’t kill anybody” Jade begged as Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Listen,” Sarah breathed out taking the pencil. “I didn’t come here planning to kill anyone, but if I have to in order to protect you, I will. Just like last time, just like always” She placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder and used the other to lift her chin. “Don’t worry, it’s just a pencil,” she smiled just as all hell broke loose. The closet door they’d been hiding behind flew open at mach speed. 

“GET DOWN ON THE GROUD,” the people in all white yelled. The girls complied. Dropping to their knees they laced both hands behind their heads, Sarah holding the pencil between hers. “Where is it?” asked a woman in white stepping forward. Her piercing green eyes scared Jade. “WHERE IS IT?!” she screamed at them, the soft gray bob around her neck shook with her fury. “I don’t know what you mean,” Jade responded looking away from the scary woman. “You,” she growled at Sarah as she grabbed her by the throat forcing her to her feet. “Don’t you little bitches play games with me, I know you know what I’m talking about,” she spat at her. “Listen I don’t know what you’re looking for but we just met 2 days ago! Something happened and I don’t know why but people have been trying to kill us!” Jade yelled out hoping to distract the woman. She let go of Sarah, who had now dropped her hands behind her back, and knelled in front of Jade. She smiled. “Something happened?” she asked snidely. Before Jade could answer, the room filled with screams. She turned and looked up expecting to see Sarah, but she had vanished. The woman in front of her spun and stood to her feet “SHOOT HER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS”, she shouted wildly across the room. One by one all the agents in white fell, blood flowing down the front of their suits. Jade clenched her eye lids closed tight. She couldn’t stand the sight of blood, it made her queasy.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Jade heard the scary woman say, the confidence of her words was gone. She opened her eyes to find Sarah in front of the woman, the tip of the pencil held firmly to her jugular. “Jade get up and walk to the door,” Sarah asked of Jade calmly. Jade hesitated. “Monica won’t hurt you, will you Monica?” Sarah inquired of the scary woman, smirking. Jade pondered how Sarah knew her. Monica said nothing but tightened her lips. “WILL YOU?” Sarah yelled this time pushing the pencil tip slightly more into her skin. “No” Monica finally responded. Jade slowly stood and inched past the twotowards the door. “You know they’ll find her, you can keep running but you can’t hide” Monica alleged slowly when Jade reached the door. Jade looked back, confused. Did she say “she”? Turning to Sarah she opened her mouth to ask that very thing but before she could Monica hit the floor with a thud. Blood gushed from the open wound across her throat, her eyes rolled up as she gasped her last breath. Instead what came from Jade’s mouth was “Why do you do that?! More importantly how are you doing this? The pencil’s barely sharpened!” Sarah smiled wiping the bloody pencil onto her black jeans. “Like I said,” Sarah retorted, “not my fault.”

₣ɎⱤɆ

I’ve got moonlight in my hand,

The warmth of a star so close to me

can’t even comprehend

This beautiful soul I see

She’s got this smile about her

That from the corner gently teases

Coaxing kisses from lips so soft

My heart skips into pieces

It’s not often I’m silent in her presence

Pumping her full of pointless banter

But just one glance up from those eyes

And nothing I’ve said matters

She’s snowfall over bonfires

Or rainfall in a drought

She’s the Carmel to my apple

And everything life’s now about

So with this moonlight in my hands

And the warmth of a star so close to me

We’ll stroll through the darkness

Blowing down blunt wrapped trees

Pause, a ᴿᴱᶠᴸᴱᶜᵀᴵᴼᴺ

I had to fall apart to see all the pieces

Laid out in front of me like a road map to recovery I could pinpoint exactly where the rip in my seem was. I had been stuffing myself full of nothings. Full of air, no weight inside threatening to collapse from lack of structure. Who taught you how to love? I had been stumbling along crafting hopes and dreams but what was 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮….

Premonition 

I promise I will burn this world. Scorch it darker than midnights with no moons. My mind screams constantly with regrets of missed openings, tiny slits that needed to be pried. Cracked doors that begged to be swung wide, quickly I walked past adverting my eyes. I will stand confidently alone. No props or side bars, no braces or crutches. No shade. Reminding myself continuously, that by myself, there’s nothing myself can’t accomplish myself. Letting my voice be the loudest one I hear. The only one that matters. Loving and soothing, I won’t need reassurance. I feel the candle flickering, the flame gently tickling. And soon….I will burn this world.