So… I’ve been thinking. I want to leave this place, but I’m not exactly sure where this “place” is…or where I want to go. The more time I spend, the days, the hours, turning the thought over and over again in my head I’m accepting more and more that I have to come to an end. Now not such a long time ago, I thought this meant ending my life. However, although at times I can sway, I’ve come to the realization that that particular solution may be premature. Instead the end of me may just be leaving myself as I am now in this “place”. Now metaphorically speaking, I could cocoon and re-emerge at anytime and looking back at my life I think I’ve done this many a time before. But this “place” has always been the same. I’ve re-emerged still surrounded by the chaos, although anew, still tormented and eventually returning to the cocoon to re-emerge again. The pulsating thought to leave has grown from a distant dream, to a want, to what’s becoming a flat out necessity. I do not know what I am anymore. I walk just fine, I talk as if I’m presently here, smile with factory made laughter but for what reason I do not know. Emptiness is no longer a feeling but a constant state of being.

My doctors will say I’m depressed. No longer finding pleasure in my interest. My family will say I have them. Just let them know what I need. My christians will tell me to turn to God and my spiritualist will say seek guidance from the ancestors. My heart….my heart is numb and my head is full of broken thoughts interrupted by new soon to be broken thoughts. My sense of responsibility and duty keep me tethered to this place, but I feel the end is near. I believe that in any moment a shift is coming but I MUST be seated deeply, comfortably in this new place…maybe it’s anxiety but I no longer wish to be social. I only want to be surrounded by my books and nature with family and friends visiting occasionally lol