Why does everything always feel like it’s just on the verge of getting better? Like if I just keep walking a little further I’ll see the sunny weather. As if right over the hill is a place I’ll call home, my worries will fade if I just make it through this storm. Always on the climb, so much that you forget that you’re down if I just keep pushing on, it’ll all turn around.
You can only say I love you in so many ways
You can only say I’m sorry for so many days
Before the pain sets in and the clouds fill with tears
At the realization of my worst fears
So I need you to say it, and say it over again
That I’m not the one you want as your friend
Your defender from all
Your sun shining bright
Not the one you want to kiss goodnight
You can only say I love you in so many ways
You can’t stand to say I’m sorry another day
So leave if you have to, I’m all too good at goodbyes
Leave now without another lie
Say it again and I’ll believe it’s true
Say it again so I’ll stop loving you
Come quietly in the night, not a word or a breath
to take away innocence that I’ll never forget
How did we get here, alone no one watching
Silent moments of touches, this time theres no stopping
Again how’d we get here, how come no ones watching
where are they, where’d they go, why is no one stopping
this taking of innocence that i’ll never forget
you came quietly in the night, not a word or a breath
I went a whole decade doing things I believed would bring me happiness. 10 years I spent making marriages (yes plural) out of unstable relationships, friendships out of feeble interactions and relentlessly trying to make my family proud. What I got was 2 divorces, loneliness in a sea of friends and unnoticed effort. However, I regret none of it. My first marriage was full of laughs but twice as many tears, the second full of tears and so much childish joy. My family never saw everything I sacrificed but I would always give everything I could. And my friends, although I don’t still speak to them all, they were my family. Now here I am, days before 30 reflecting on it all…… happy.
The journey through my 20’s was spent looking for something I’d been wanting, what felt like, my whole life. Of course no one would’ve guessed that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, but besides that happiness just seemed to just miss me. Nothing felt full or true. Maybe it was the stress of working only to pay off debt (that I kept accumulating, go figure) or maybe forcing romantic relationships out of sheer will to not admit failure. I wasn’t sure what kept me from filling fulfilled but I’d always felt there was more. Ironically finding the joy and peace in my rocky journey has provided happiness in itself. None the less, I found it. And I’m never looking back.
30 to me is a new beginning. It’s the starting steps down my path of greatness. More importantly I have a clearer understanding of myself. I no longer feel I have something to prove, I only feel motivated to be me. Some people are blessed enough to realize this early on but my realization has come right on time. I embrace the change that comes with growing and accept its discomfort. My way forward I only want to live in my purpose for placement in this world, I want to fulfill my destiny.
It was just a week ago
Pumping through my chest
Is a hope for a change
A notion in my mind
That nothing will ever be the same
The world couldn’t prepare me
For what was placed in my life
At this time, in this space
Out of nowhere came a fight
To have the greatest thing, I’ve ever dreamed
And through the darkness shone a light
Like an age old star
Shining brightly in the night
It was shown to me just what I needed
A real love at new heights
A devotion of truth
The dedication to my soul
That never gets old
It came unexpectedly
When I looked into your eyes
I’d been running a race
But finally got my prize
How are you feeling? *smiles* Amazing
This is the best time of my life. There’s joy, and anticipation for things that are yet to come. I’m excited.
This is the part of me you know, the part you’re most comfortable with. I’ll smile and laugh and you’ll know I mean it. In fact it’s infectious, I’ve got you feeling good too. I tell you about all my plans and how everything’s going well…and even the things that aren’t so great are still working pieces to an awesome end that’s coming. There’s no mountain too big for me. No sea too wide for me to swim. I am unstoppable.
I’ll spend days fixated on research for plans I’ve made in the dead of the night. Sleeping only at the point of exhaustion because I have so many things to do! I need to make sure I have this right because without all the answers I can’t make a decision, and if I don’t make a decision soon things will get confusing, but I’m not sure which is the right decision so it’s best if I just have a plan for all outcomes because then I’ll know what to expect each step of the way as I plan out my next move so that my life can finally reach the potential everyone seems to see in me that ignites me to think that nothing for me is impossible because I have powers beyond anything you’ve ever seen I mean look how far I’ve come and what I’ve done and who I’ve met and and and…..it goes on
Don’t let those labels define how you feel today.
Cover that frown if you must, wipe those tears away quick but remember it’s ok for you to feel like shit.
Don’t let those labels define you on any given day.
Your kindness has been abused, you can guard your heart. It belongs to you first, let them earn a part.
These labels are the ones to strive for everyday.
You have weathered through storms and moved mountains from your view. Keep shining bright and looking forward, your best supporter is YOU.
*clears throat* uhhumm
This is not a giant fuck you to my past haters.
This is a collective thank you in a passive aggressive, sarcastic, yes of course I’m saying Fuck You sort of way.
Thank you for teaching me how NOT to love. Those stepping stones of submissive, forgiving, and basically doormat behavior have prepared me for a real understanding and deserving type of love.
You see I don’t blame you. Well I never blamed you and that was part of the problem, but not the topic I’m discussing right now. I don’t blame you because I’ve realized that it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know. And try as I might to escape my twisted childhood abuse by looking for a knight in shining armor, I simply ran into the arms of a newly manufactured knight from the same factory of my tormentor. See none of you have become masters at what you’re doing, I had been brainwashed by a pro so how was I to know when I’d encountered an amateur?
Manipulation is the only love language I was taught. Control was the affection I was shown. I tried my hardest to avoid anyone who reminded me of my abuser. Mean, spiteful, uncaring. Nobody in their right mind wants those characteristics in a partner, right? I’m not the only person avoiding those asshats. However nobody had ever explained the traits of a narcissist to me. I’d always believed a narcissist was just a self centered person, but oh have ya’ll taught me just how complex you all are.
A narcissist by definition is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Not far off from my thought right? But the definition fails to mention the in-depth workings of narcissistic people. How they’ll come off as charismatic. Nothings ever their fault. They are ALWAYS the victim. And how you can never EVER tell them no. My favorite quote that summarizes narcissistic behavior says “Don’t ever forget a Narcissist is, First and Foremost, an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense” -Zari Ballard. And there you have it folks, a quick synopsis of every got damn relationship I’ve been in.
So no I don’t blame you, remember I never did. How could I escape if what was killing me was the only way I’d known love. You start to believe that it’s just how it is. It’s how loves supposed to be.
You know what tho? I have evolved. I see the light, no I am the fucking light. So thank you for blinding me, I felt my way around and now that I can see, my horizon is looking damn beautiful.
But still, Fuck You.
I never understood what music did for me. I only knew how it made me feel. More than lyrics touched my soul. Every tempo, upbeat and 808 pulses through me like wavelengths stringing the pump of my heart. But I was reminded tonight just how deep my connection to music is. Songs I’ve heard a thousand times before for some reason seemed to speak directly to me. They were written for me. Maybe it’s with the clarity of understanding myself or the freedom of knowing I can make my own decisions without concern for other opinions but I finally feel like I’ve gotten it together. I finally see myself as above it all. I am light.