Throwback

It was just a week ago

I was floating in dreams
Heart beating for you
But things weren’t as they seemed
It was just a month ago
I was writing for you
Confessing my love
But falling for words untrue
Seems like just yesterday
You were holding my hand
Kissing my lips
Telling me you were my man
But today is different
From all those other times
I finally woke up
And realized you were never mine
So why is it that you still possess my thoughts
I still want your love, without it I’m lost
How is it that your name still rest on my tongue
memories of a fake love song unsung
When will it stop, this endless ache for you
When can I stop loving you?

Low

How are you feeling? Fine.

Overtime I’ve learned to add in other descriptions…oh you know tired, or good good, I’m good. But the best one is I’m fine.

I can’t tell you I feel broken, because you’ll say my pieces are a beautiful collage of lessons I’ve learned. I can’t say I feel hollow because you’ll suggest I find something that has weight and meaning in my life. I don’t say how alone I feel because someone’s always here for me. I can’t explain it. The emptiness. The sadness. It’s unexplainable, it’s just here. And I learn to deal with it. It comes in and takes hold and I learn to go quietly. I sit in the corner of my mind wishing for nothing.

Nobody sets me off, sometimes it’s just a wave of emotion. Most of the time it’s too many thoughts at once. Like an overcrowded q&a session. Why can’t you smile more? Where do you hurt the most? Isn’t this what happy feels like? Did you pray about it? Are you sure? Where’s all your money? How did you make it this far? Why aren’t you dead yet? And after the questions come the answers, and they sting worse than the unexpected tears. You’re nose looks too big when you smile, so don’t. Your heart hurts because you don’t deserve it. You’ll never know what happy feels like. Praying never works. You can’t be trusted. You spend it on nothing. You’ve made it by chance. You’re only here till you’ve had enough.

have you had enough yet?