How are you feeling? Fine.

Overtime I’ve learned to add in other descriptions…oh you know tired, or good good, I’m good. But the best one is I’m fine.

I can’t tell you I feel broken, because you’ll say my pieces are a beautiful collage of lessons I’ve learned. I can’t say I feel hollow because you’ll suggest I find something that has weight and meaning in my life. I don’t say how alone I feel because someone’s always here for me. I can’t explain it. The emptiness. The sadness. It’s unexplainable, it’s just here. And I learn to deal with it. It comes in and takes hold and I learn to go quietly. I sit in the corner of my mind wishing for nothing.

Nobody sets me off, sometimes it’s just a wave of emotion. Most of the time it’s too many thoughts at once. Like an overcrowded q&a session. Why can’t you smile more? Where do you hurt the most? Isn’t this what happy feels like? Did you pray about it? Are you sure? Where’s all your money? How did you make it this far? Why aren’t you dead yet? And after the questions come the answers, and they sting worse than the unexpected tears. You’re nose looks too big when you smile, so don’t. Your heart hurts because you don’t deserve it. You’ll never know what happy feels like. Praying never works. You can’t be trusted. You spend it on nothing. You’ve made it by chance. You’re only here till you’ve had enough.

have you had enough yet?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s