I used to think I was crazy. That I was to overly invested in every aspect of my relationship with other people. I realize now that maybe I’m only concerned with my effects on that relationship without regard to outward influences. How can one be both selfish and selfless? How can you try to give someone everything you have and miss the one thing they need? Is the fault yours for not seeing, or theirs for not telling? I used to think I could fix it all. Heart filled apologies can be felt not heard. But blocked feelings can’t be reached. You can’t touch someone that’s no longer there. I didn’t know I had the power to hurt, I didn’t know you had the power to care.
I write to keep a clear mind but my forecast’s always cloudy with a chance of scattered storms.
Floating high I get a sense of confidence and spot a ray of sun, only to feel the sharp heat of a lightening strike across my hand. You’re too high in the clouds. Come back down.
With feet planted firmly I take it all in. The battering wind, the swells of gust threatening to pull me away…. but I stay.
Planted in place as hail beats against my head and tornados form before my eyes…I don’t move. And just as I start to sink, I see it.
A break in the clouds, that ray of sun. So steadfast I look ahead, as the front moves to the east I only look west. The winds stopped now. It’s calm. I can feel the heat of the sun. I reach up and realize I’m floating again….but for how long.
I dreamed a dream this hour
That made me wake and think
The frightful thoughts that drown my mind
That cause my heart to sink
Are manifested subconscious hopes
Daring me to drink
The burning sands that fill my lungs
Fires raging in my core
End it all…be done right now
Your suffering no more
Time again I whisper in darkness
This trouble too shall pass
But blink just once and time stands still
Yet I’m still wearing this mask
My smile perfected, eyes casting great lies
My laughter projected
no one knows how hard I try
Not to end it all….be done right now
There’s away out of this hole
When I wake I’ll find how.
I promise I will burn this world. Scorch it darker than midnights with no moons. My mind screams constantly with regrets of missed openings, tiny slits that needed to be pried. Cracked doors that begged to be swung wide, quickly I walked past adverting my eyes. I will stand confidently alone. No props or side bars, no braces or crutches. No shade. Reminding myself continuously, that by myself, there’s nothing myself can’t accomplish myself. Letting my voice be the loudest one I hear. The only one that matters. Loving and soothing, I won’t need reassurance. I feel the candle flickering, the flame gently tickling. And soon….I will burn this world.
She was lost and she knew it.
Looking for a corner to engulf her hurting soul, someone to finally make her feel whole. A piece to fix a broken half, but scattered shards can’t fix damaged glass.
She was defeated….but pushed through it.
Do not be meek, hold your head high, be bold be proud, it’s ok to cry. You’re not crazy or insane for expressing your views. You have every right to demand how they treat you. Mistakes do not define you, let the past be where it is. I pen this as a reminder to myself….you got this kid.
There’s just something about the thrill of knowing I might get caught up. Racing against a clock set, but I had no say in the deadline. I know I shouldn’t, but each and every time I do it. The constant nagging in my head, eating away at every action. Why do I box myself in? I count down the days…..minutes…..hours. I prepare myself to do what I should’ve done all along…FUCK HOMEWORKKKKKK
This is an ode to the often misinterpreted loves.
To the friendships that seem deep and knowing, when really they’re just a tally of who’s done what so far. The friendships that at one time seemed close, but lately just exists. The ones who’ve turned their confidant into a sounding board, just someone to talk at rather than talk to. Those close friends who can no longer determine if they hate you or just the things you do.
A toast to the parents who should be loving an understanding, but instead have become judgemental and demanding. No longer wishing for your hopes and dreams, but envious of your “unearned” success. Cause you know….you had it easy because of them.
Oh and lets not forget those lovers of past and present. Those everlasting, never-ending, enduring, unconditional..you name it, loves. The ones who said they’d never hurt you, leave you or deceive you loves. The ones who smile in you’re face and tell you “Everything’s Great“, loves. Those tricky, conniving ……..convince you the relationships “thriving” loves. You fall asleep next to, but wake alone loves. The “hey I called you”oh “i didn’t mean to text YOU” loves. The “I love you” but I’m not in “LOVE” with you loves.
Hollow relationships are hard to identify till you look internally and realize you’re not whole. You may walk, talk, and motion through the movements……but are YOU really there. It’s just a shell. You’re saying what you think is right….but do you believe it. You’re reacting how you THINK you should, but do you feel it. Are you there? Sometime you don’t know it’s not reality. If you fake it long enough, it’s easier to swallow. Don’t be hollow. Say what you mean. Show how you feel. Real love will endure.
So yesterday my dear wonderful significant other, of almost 6yrs, said “sex with you is boring, that’s why I don’t wanna do it often”. I gasped in fake hurt. Am I really hurt by this? Yes…..Will I tell him that? No.
*insert peanut gallery*
“But how will you fix the problem in your marriage?”
“If you don’t tell him, how can he fix it?”
“Well spice it up for him!”
“Show him what you workin with… blah blah blah …..etc”
I am not a prude. I don’t lie still as he does his “duty”. For some reason however, my husband has come to expect porn star quality sex in our bedroom. Where did he get this notion, I have no idea (honestly it’s probably from the daily dosage of porn he watches). However missionary is a perfectly fine way to get the deed done. Am I all for backing that ass up? Sure…..on occasion. Do I want to ride him till the sun comes up? Not really cause I already don’t get enough sleep and that’s literally taking hours away from me.
Since becoming permanently attached under the namesake of marriage my sex life has taken a streaky nose dive into very dark territory. Reason being…..I have no fucking clue. I never wanted to be one of those couples that everyone talks about. The ones that immediately tell you after you’re engaged to “enjoy the sex now, because after marriage it’s gone”. No. I just knew that wouldn’t happen. We’re young…..wayyyy too young to NOT have sex. Yet here we are…..not having sex.
I have a test at 1….. I didn’t study. Not so much because I don’t care, but because I believe in the depths of my soul that studying is counter productive. Yes, sounds lazy I know. However I’ve come to realize that I remember a lot of stuff, stuff I don’t even mean to remember half the time. The problem is recalling it on que. I can remember the name of the perfume the lady at Sephora recommended to me 2 months ago, but the 3 P’s of productivity? I either know them or I don’t. In this case I don’t, more importantly I don’t want to. If I had wasted 20 mins of my life studying the 3 P’s of productivity I would’ve never seen my puppy chase her tail for the first time. Those 3 P’s would’ve taken a precious memory from me…..damn those 3 P’s. And what the hell are the 3 P’s going to do for me in the long run, honestly? If I haven’t been productive before this point in my life, is suddenly being aware of the 3 P’s going to improve that probability? Probably not. Phuck the P’s.
P.S. The 3 P’s are positivity, performance, and precision
P.S.S…… I just made those up…..they sound good though, right? 🙂