*clears throat* uhhumm

This is not a giant fuck you to my past haters.

This is a collective thank you in a passive aggressive, sarcastic, yes of course I’m saying Fuck You sort of way.

Thank you for teaching me how NOT to love. Those stepping stones of submissive, forgiving, and basically doormat behavior have prepared me for a real understanding and deserving type of love.

You see I don’t blame you. Well I never blamed you and that was part of the problem, but not the topic I’m discussing right now. I don’t blame you because I’ve realized that it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know. And try as I might to escape my twisted childhood abuse by looking for a knight in shining armor, I simply ran into the arms of a newly manufactured knight from the same factory of my tormentor. See none of you have become masters at what you’re doing, I had been brainwashed by a pro so how was I to know when I’d encountered an amateur?

Manipulation is the only love language I was taught. Control was the affection I was shown. I tried my hardest to avoid anyone who reminded me of my abuser. Mean, spiteful, uncaring. Nobody in their right mind wants those characteristics in a partner, right? I’m not the only person avoiding those asshats. However nobody had ever explained the traits of a narcissist to me. I’d always believed a narcissist was just a self centered person, but oh have ya’ll taught me just how complex you all are.

A narcissist by definition is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Not far off from my thought right? But the definition fails to mention the in-depth workings of narcissistic people. How they’ll come off as charismatic. Nothings ever their fault. They are ALWAYS the victim. And how you can never EVER tell them no. My favorite quote that summarizes narcissistic behavior says “Don’t ever forget a Narcissist is, First and Foremost, an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense” -Zari Ballard. And there you have it folks, a quick synopsis of every got damn relationship I’ve been in.

So no I don’t blame you, remember I never did. How could I escape if what was killing me was the only way I’d known love. You start to believe that it’s just how it is. It’s how loves supposed to be.

You know what tho? I have evolved. I see the light, no I am the fucking light. So thank you for blinding me, I felt my way around and now that I can see, my horizon is looking damn beautiful.

But still, Fuck You.