30. A Reflection

I went a whole decade doing things I believed would bring me happiness. 10 years I spent making marriages (yes plural) out of unstable relationships, friendships out of feeble interactions and relentlessly trying to make my family proud. What I got was 2 divorces, loneliness in a sea of friends and unnoticed effort. However, I regret none of it. My first marriage was full of laughs but twice as many tears, the second full of tears and so much childish joy. My family never saw everything I sacrificed but I would always give everything I could. And my friends, although I don’t still speak to them all, they were my family. Now here I am, days before 30 reflecting on it all…… happy.

The journey through my 20’s was spent looking for something I’d been wanting, what felt like, my whole life. Of course no one would’ve guessed that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, but besides that happiness just seemed to just miss me. Nothing felt full or true. Maybe it was the stress of working only to pay off debt (that I kept accumulating, go figure) or maybe forcing romantic relationships out of sheer will to not admit failure. I wasn’t sure what kept me from filling fulfilled but I’d always felt there was more. Ironically finding the joy and peace in my rocky journey has provided happiness in itself. None the less, I found it. And I’m never looking back.

30 to me is a new beginning. It’s the starting steps down my path of greatness. More importantly I have a clearer understanding of myself. I no longer feel I have something to prove, I only feel motivated to be me. Some people are blessed enough to realize this early on but my realization has come right on time. I embrace the change that comes with growing and accept its discomfort. My way forward I only want to live in my purpose for placement in this world, I want to fulfill my destiny.

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