I woke up the other day inspired…I finally have a point to prove to myself and no one else. I’ve decided to write for myself and no one else. And yes even though you can see this and you can read this, it’s not for you. For the next 365 days I will be writing. Unedited, ranting, journalistic, short stories, dream interpretations, poems, whatever the fuck comes to mind, my fingers will be typing the words onto a page. So get ready *she tells her self* for a years long commitment to the very craft I’ve self proclaimed to be apart of since the 6th grade. I’m excited right now but I know the days ahead will be trying. Somedays I will be excited full of words and tales that seem to have no end. Others days I’ll tell myself…..tomorrow, we’ll try again tomorrow. But today I am committing to this one thing everyday for the next 365 days. Run on sentences be damned, summer, winter, spring or fall… I am sticking to this! So reminders are set, distractions will persist but I am readddy to paaarrrtyyyyyy (write, I mean write). Ok Day 1 down, 364 to go!

Why does everything always feel like it’s just on the verge of getting better? Like if I just keep walking a little further I’ll see the sunny weather. As if right over the hill is a place I’ll call home, my worries will fade if I just make it through this storm. Always on the climb, so much that you forget that you’re down if I just keep pushing on, it’ll all turn around.

Come quietly in the night, not a word or a breath

to take away innocence that I’ll never forget

How did we get here, alone no one watching

Silent moments of touches, this time theres no stopping

Again how’d we get here, how come no ones watching

where are they, where’d they go, why is no one stopping

this taking of innocence that i’ll never forget

you came quietly in the night, not a word or a breath

I went a whole decade doing things I believed would bring me happiness. 10 years I spent making marriages (yes plural) out of unstable relationships, friendships out of feeble interactions and relentlessly trying to make my family proud. What I got was 2 divorces, loneliness in a sea of friends and unnoticed effort. However, I regret none of it. My first marriage was full of laughs but twice as many tears, the second full of tears and so much childish joy. My family never saw everything I sacrificed but I would always give everything I could. And my friends, although I don’t still speak to them all, they were my family. Now here I am, days before 30 reflecting on it all…… happy.

The journey through my 20’s was spent looking for something I’d been wanting, what felt like, my whole life. Of course no one would’ve guessed that there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, but besides that happiness just seemed to just miss me. Nothing felt full or true. Maybe it was the stress of working only to pay off debt (that I kept accumulating, go figure) or maybe forcing romantic relationships out of sheer will to not admit failure. I wasn’t sure what kept me from filling fulfilled but I’d always felt there was more. Ironically finding the joy and peace in my rocky journey has provided happiness in itself. None the less, I found it. And I’m never looking back.

30 to me is a new beginning. It’s the starting steps down my path of greatness. More importantly I have a clearer understanding of myself. I no longer feel I have something to prove, I only feel motivated to be me. Some people are blessed enough to realize this early on but my realization has come right on time. I embrace the change that comes with growing and accept its discomfort. My way forward I only want to live in my purpose for placement in this world, I want to fulfill my destiny.