Weapons of Choice

“Can I borrow your pencil?” Sarah asked, in a barely audible whisper. “Nope. No freakin way, not after what happened last time” Jade responded almost violently in her whisper back. “Awww come on that wasn’t even my fault,” Sarah turned while answering Jade. Looking at her head on in this small of a confined space seemed as if Jade was intruding on a private moment. She could smell Sarah’s cherry chap stick on her lips and the amount of hair spray she’d used to put her hair in a bun, that was after everything they’d been through today, barely hanging on. “Gimmie the pencil” she demanded. After 10 seconds of staring each other down, Jade finally dropped her chin to her chest and produced the pencil from her cargo pocket. “Please don’t kill anybody” Jade begged as Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Listen,” Sarah breathed out taking the pencil. “I didn’t come here planning to kill anyone, but if I have to in order to protect you, I will. Just like last time, just like always” She placed one hand on Jade’s shoulder and used the other to lift her chin. “Don’t worry, it’s just a pencil,” she smiled just as all hell broke loose. The closet door they’d been hiding behind flew open at mach speed. 

“GET DOWN ON THE GROUD,” the people in all white yelled. The girls complied. Dropping to their knees they laced both hands behind their heads, Sarah holding the pencil between hers. “Where is it?” asked a woman in white stepping forward. Her piercing green eyes scared Jade. “WHERE IS IT?!” she screamed at them, the soft gray bob around her neck shook with her fury. “I don’t know what you mean,” Jade responded looking away from the scary woman. “You,” she growled at Sarah as she grabbed her by the throat forcing her to her feet. “Don’t you little bitches play games with me, I know you know what I’m talking about,” she spat at her. “Listen I don’t know what you’re looking for but we just met 2 days ago! Something happened and I don’t know why but people have been trying to kill us!” Jade yelled out hoping to distract the woman. She let go of Sarah, who had now dropped her hands behind her back, and knelled in front of Jade. She smiled. “Something happened?” she asked snidely. Before Jade could answer, the room filled with screams. She turned and looked up expecting to see Sarah, but she had vanished. The woman in front of her spun and stood to her feet “SHOOT HER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS”, she shouted wildly across the room. One by one all the agents in white fell, blood flowing down the front of their suits. Jade clenched her eye lids closed tight. She couldn’t stand the sight of blood, it made her queasy.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Jade heard the scary woman say, the confidence of her words was gone. She opened her eyes to find Sarah in front of the woman, the tip of the pencil held firmly to her jugular. “Jade get up and walk to the door,” Sarah asked of Jade calmly. Jade hesitated. “Monica won’t hurt you, will you Monica?” Sarah inquired of the scary woman, smirking. Jade pondered how Sarah knew her. Monica said nothing but tightened her lips. “WILL YOU?” Sarah yelled this time pushing the pencil tip slightly more into her skin. “No” Monica finally responded. Jade slowly stood and inched past the twotowards the door. “You know they’ll find her, you can keep running but you can’t hide” Monica alleged slowly when Jade reached the door. Jade looked back, confused. Did she say “she”? Turning to Sarah she opened her mouth to ask that very thing but before she could Monica hit the floor with a thud. Blood gushed from the open wound across her throat, her eyes rolled up as she gasped her last breath. Instead what came from Jade’s mouth was “Why do you do that?! More importantly how are you doing this? The pencil’s barely sharpened!” Sarah smiled wiping the bloody pencil onto her black jeans. “Like I said,” Sarah retorted, “not my fault.”

₣ɎⱤɆ

I’ve got moonlight in my hand,

The warmth of a star so close to me

can’t even comprehend

This beautiful soul I see

She’s got this smile about her

That from the corner gently teases

Coaxing kisses from lips so soft

My heart skips into pieces

It’s not often I’m silent in her presence

Pumping her full of pointless banter

But just one glance up from those eyes

And nothing I’ve said matters

She’s snowfall over bonfires

Or rainfall in a drought

She’s the Carmel to my apple

And everything life’s now about

So with this moonlight in my hands

And the warmth of a star so close to me

We’ll stroll through the darkness

Blowing down blunt wrapped trees

Pause, a ᴿᴱᶠᴸᴱᶜᵀᴵᴼᴺ

I had to fall apart to see all the pieces

Laid out in front of me like a road map to recovery I could pinpoint exactly where the rip in my seem was. I had been stuffing myself full of nothings. Full of air, no weight inside threatening to collapse from lack of structure. Who taught you how to love? I had been stumbling along crafting hopes and dreams but what was 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮….

Throwback

It was just a week ago

I was floating in dreams
Heart beating for you
But things weren’t as they seemed
It was just a month ago
I was writing for you
Confessing my love
But falling for words untrue
Seems like just yesterday
You were holding my hand
Kissing my lips
Telling me you were my man
But today is different
From all those other times
I finally woke up
And realized you were never mine
So why is it that you still possess my thoughts
I still want your love, without it I’m lost
How is it that your name still rest on my tongue
memories of a fake love song unsung
When will it stop, this endless ache for you
When can I stop loving you?

I Found You

Pumping through my chest

Is a hope for a change

A notion in my mind

That nothing will ever be the same

The world couldn’t prepare me

For what was placed in my life

At this time, in this space

Out of nowhere came a fight

To have the greatest thing, I’ve ever dreamed

And through the darkness shone a light

Like an age old star

Shining brightly in the night

It was shown to me just what I needed

A real love at new heights

A devotion of truth

The dedication to my soul

Undying attraction

That never gets old

It came unexpectedly

This feeling

When I looked into your eyes

I’d been running a race

But finally got my prize

Low

How are you feeling? Fine.

Overtime I’ve learned to add in other descriptions…oh you know tired, or good good, I’m good. But the best one is I’m fine.

I can’t tell you I feel broken, because you’ll say my pieces are a beautiful collage of lessons I’ve learned. I can’t say I feel hollow because you’ll suggest I find something that has weight and meaning in my life. I don’t say how alone I feel because someone’s always here for me. I can’t explain it. The emptiness. The sadness. It’s unexplainable, it’s just here. And I learn to deal with it. It comes in and takes hold and I learn to go quietly. I sit in the corner of my mind wishing for nothing.

Nobody sets me off, sometimes it’s just a wave of emotion. Most of the time it’s too many thoughts at once. Like an overcrowded q&a session. Why can’t you smile more? Where do you hurt the most? Isn’t this what happy feels like? Did you pray about it? Are you sure? Where’s all your money? How did you make it this far? Why aren’t you dead yet? And after the questions come the answers, and they sting worse than the unexpected tears. You’re nose looks too big when you smile, so don’t. Your heart hurts because you don’t deserve it. You’ll never know what happy feels like. Praying never works. You can’t be trusted. You spend it on nothing. You’ve made it by chance. You’re only here till you’ve had enough.

have you had enough yet?

High

How are you feeling? *smiles* Amazing

This is the best time of my life. There’s joy, and anticipation for things that are yet to come. I’m excited.

This is the part of me you know, the part you’re most comfortable with. I’ll smile and laugh and you’ll know I mean it. In fact it’s infectious, I’ve got you feeling good too. I tell you about all my plans and how everything’s going well…and even the things that aren’t so great are still working pieces to an awesome end that’s coming. There’s no mountain too big for me. No sea too wide for me to swim. I am unstoppable.

I’ll spend days fixated on research for plans I’ve made in the dead of the night. Sleeping only at the point of exhaustion because I have so many things to do! I need to make sure I have this right because without all the answers I can’t make a decision, and if I don’t make a decision soon things will get confusing, but I’m not sure which is the right decision so it’s best if I just have a plan for all outcomes because then I’ll know what to expect each step of the way as I plan out my next move so that my life can finally reach the potential everyone seems to see in me that ignites me to think that nothing for me is impossible because I have powers beyond anything you’ve ever seen I mean look how far I’ve come and what I’ve done and who I’ve met and and and…..it goes on

Hey Girl Hey

Tough Girl

Pretty Girl

Smart Girl

Hey….

Don’t let those labels define how you feel today.

Cover that frown if you must, wipe those tears away quick but remember it’s ok for you to feel like shit.

Sweet Girl

Loving Girl

Nice Girl

Hey…

Don’t let those labels define you on any given day.

Your kindness has been abused, you can guard your heart. It belongs to you first, let them earn a part.

Inspiring Girl

Confident Girl

Worthy Girl

Hey…

These labels are the ones to strive for everyday.

You have weathered through storms and moved mountains from your view. Keep shining bright and looking forward, your best supporter is YOU.

A Letter To My Ex’s

*clears throat* uhhumm

This is not a giant fuck you to my past haters.

This is a collective thank you in a passive aggressive, sarcastic, yes of course I’m saying Fuck You sort of way.

Thank you for teaching me how NOT to love. Those stepping stones of submissive, forgiving, and basically doormat behavior have prepared me for a real understanding and deserving type of love.

You see I don’t blame you. Well I never blamed you and that was part of the problem, but not the topic I’m discussing right now. I don’t blame you because I’ve realized that it’s human nature to gravitate towards what you know. And try as I might to escape my twisted childhood abuse by looking for a knight in shining armor, I simply ran into the arms of a newly manufactured knight from the same factory of my tormentor. See none of you have become masters at what you’re doing, I had been brainwashed by a pro so how was I to know when I’d encountered an amateur?

Manipulation is the only love language I was taught. Control was the affection I was shown. I tried my hardest to avoid anyone who reminded me of my abuser. Mean, spiteful, uncaring. Nobody in their right mind wants those characteristics in a partner, right? I’m not the only person avoiding those asshats. However nobody had ever explained the traits of a narcissist to me. I’d always believed a narcissist was just a self centered person, but oh have ya’ll taught me just how complex you all are.

A narcissist by definition is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Not far off from my thought right? But the definition fails to mention the in-depth workings of narcissistic people. How they’ll come off as charismatic. Nothings ever their fault. They are ALWAYS the victim. And how you can never EVER tell them no. My favorite quote that summarizes narcissistic behavior says “Don’t ever forget a Narcissist is, First and Foremost, an opportunist who feels falsely entitled to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants at anyone’s expense” -Zari Ballard. And there you have it folks, a quick synopsis of every got damn relationship I’ve been in.

So no I don’t blame you, remember I never did. How could I escape if what was killing me was the only way I’d known love. You start to believe that it’s just how it is. It’s how loves supposed to be.

You know what tho? I have evolved. I see the light, no I am the fucking light. So thank you for blinding me, I felt my way around and now that I can see, my horizon is looking damn beautiful.

But still, Fuck You.